Anyway cheesy as it sounds it really made me think. Sometime over the last few months I seem to have been so focused on trying to recover for my family, for my nurse for my teachers etc...for the bennefit of everyone except me...and well I thought it would be good to remind myself exactly why and how recovery is going to bennifit ME...in other words - what I want for once!
So what do I want?
Drama school
This is probably my biggest motivation...
Somehow in the midst of a blurry, disordered and well...numb...few months I managed to find the energy through the shivering and the tierdness and the desperate want to just curl up in a ball and stay there...to get myself into the place of my dreams - a place of thousands of peoples dreams in fact! Thousands of people who would all be willing to shoot their great grandmas for a chance like this....
But I can't kid myself. I may have found the energy to get through the audition process but 3 years is a different story!
Over 45hours a week contact time, weekends, late rehearsals, physically exhausting classes - there is no way I can do this with the energy levels of a comotose and the bones of an old woman! I just can't.
I have such an amazing chance here and I cannot, will not let have it ruined before its even begun!
Interests
Silly as this sounds I think I have been so numb for the past few months that everything that used to make me excited has sort of faded away....
I used to be (still am underneath it all) the BIGGEST theatre geek...literally every penny/moment would be spent going to see this show or that...then I lost the ability to focus...sitting down for two hours would make my head scream and my legs ache and now recovery means that all my spare pounds seem to be going on food! (haha)
I used to be an utter bookworm, I used to love shopping, drawing...but it all got sadly lost along the way...
I want to be excited again...I want a passion back - ANY passion!
Dance
I used to spend many an evening (and a lot of my pathetic income) toe tapping, leaping, jazz-handing...then they made me stop - I was a health hazard
I want to clean the dust off my tap shoes and dance till my feet blister!
Social life
Well I still DO have a social life....but I can't say I enjoy it as much as I used to. I freak out when eating out...I hate not being able to work around a plan...I dont enjoy sitting still in cinemas...cars etc...and I get really really tierd.
Often at a club I will spend half the night in the toliets standing under the handdryer...if I'm at a house party I'm too busy clinging to the radiator to socialise...I just get too tierd and too cold (and admittedly too drunk!) to be much fun any more!
*
Eugh! There is so much that I know I can get from this yet when my weight goes up I feel happy for my mum...not for me...If it drops I get upset about disapointing my nurse not about letting myself down - I guess I just need to remember what I really want because THAT is probably the biggest motivator....
Wow that was a pretty big ramble...I completely get now how blogging can be theraputic!
;)
Oh well, heres to the day when I can be healthy enough to be one of these guys (without the shivering!)
2 comments:
That's great that you're listing out all the things you WANT to do in life...but before that, you also must have that desire to recover completely, not just for your mom or the nurses, but for YOU. Passion will come back, as soon as you have the passion for yourSELF!
Best of luck to you! >.<
That sounds like a really wonderful dream and is one you can definately achieve.
Recovery isnt something you should do for anyone but yourself. Its really hard but when you struggle think back to all those things you just listed and all the stuff your missing out on.
If you really want to go to drama school then this is something to really aim for, go for it and grab your chance to do what you really want. You've got to get yourself fit and healthy though,
have a great weekend,
xoxo
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